Social Engineering? Give me a (Tax-) break, will ya..?

...or "Tax doesn't have to be taxing", does it.

Alright, it's a strap-line. Therfore you can invert it & assume the opposite to be true. Undoubtedly, & by its very nature, tax is taxing. And so it has proved to be. By turns 'patronising' [drivel] & 'unfair' [.. blah. blah, blah, 0% growth IN REAL TERMS. Have you met my wife?] it can be pernicious, restrictive thievery,  or collective, targeted progress. Sort of.

But.

It's not that the 'devil is in the detail', which it usually is when it comes to dealings with HMRC. Or that the policy differences aren't in the open... "Get yer spouses here. Spouses here, £3/week, dontcha love 'em, £3/week, get yer spouses here..." -vs-  "£10k-a-year. No questions asked. Lovely-jubbly..."

Not quite 100%bullshit, but at least 84% Horse-Piss.

It's this idea of a 'personal tax-allowance'; I like that. Is it in my gift? Can I pass it on to any valid NI Number of my choice? My partner? My children (50/50 say). Or a charity, perhaps? #justsaying.

Yeh, right. Didn't think so. Whatever.

Hanging In The Balance

Notwithstanding the inherent unreliability of opinion polls when it comes to predicting the result of the forthcoming election - margins of error, the problems of extrapolating a result based on a UNS & so forth - their effect on the parties' campaigns is undeniable.

As the Conservative poll-rating has shrunk from its double-digit lead of last year, we have been told, time & time again, that we are now firmly in 'hung-parliament territory', as a consequence of which the minor parties & the Lib. Dems. (i.e. everyone bar Labour & the Consertvatives) have been puffing out their chests, basking in the media spot-light & flexing their political muscle in anticipation of parliamentary influence far beyond what the number of seats they hold would normally confer.

For their part, both Labour & the Conservatives have been nuancing their approach. Gordon Brown has suddenly discovered a hitherto un-expressed zeal for parliamentary & voting reform, whilst the Tories 'love-bombing' of Lib. Dem. voters has been part of their Ashcroft-funded marginal constituencies focus for some time. And of course, Nick Clegg & his shadow front-bench have provided an object lesson in flirtatious coyness with their stoic refusal to accept the mantle of 'king-makers' come May 7th.

Of course, the three major parties have all stuck heroically to the script, insisting that they 'fight to win!', an assertion that fails the 'Hoggart Inversion Test' - i.e. would any party enter an election 'fighting to lose!'? Of course not. So far, so standard stilts-based nonsense; nothing to see here, move along. But I have detected something new from the properly minor parties. A word. A new word. Well, a word hitherto unattached to the word parliament in any case. And that word is 'balanced'.

Nope, I'd never heard the phrase 'a balanced parliament' before last week-end either. But is a 'balanced parliament' in any way different from a 'hung parliament'? Not as far as I can see - it doesn't mean all parties holding exactly the same number of seats - it just means minor parties potentially holding the balance of power. And that is a hung parliament. Period.

So, the word must be important for what it implies, rather than what it means. To be honest, I can understand the problem with the phrase 'hung parliament' - too many oppurtunities for insalubrious comments of either the nudge-nudge, wink-wink variety or the exclamatory "...Yeh, and drawn & quartered, if I had my way!" type. And the idea of a 'balanced parliament' sounds so much more reasonable, more moderate & altogether more acceptable. But in reality, I can see no difference between the two.

As ever, the word is the message, the message is the medium & the medium is average. Distinctly average. Do they take us all for fools? Of course they do. In fact, they are relying on it.

When The Wind Blows...

...or, Alternative Election Metrics.

Keen weather-watchers as we Brits are, most people are at least tangentially aware of the Beaufort Wind-Force Scale. Put simply, a 13-point scale relates the force of the wind to commonly observable phenomena at ground level. For instance, 'Force 0' is described as "Absolute calm. Smoke rises vertically without disturbance", whilst the halfway point, 'Force 6', is described as "Strong breeze. Large branches in motion. Whistling heard in overhead wires. Umbrella use becomes difficult. Empty plastic dustbins tip over."  At the top end of the scale, 'Force 12' is defined as "Hurricane force. Very widespread damage to vegetation. Some windows may break; mobile homes and poorly constructed sheds and barns are damaged. Debris may be hurled about."


'So what?' you may well ask.


Well, in a fast-paced election campaign overflowing with speeches, statements, press-releases & 'clarifications' (hem-hem...), it can be a struggle for us political 'weather-watchers' to keep up with the impact of all this activity. What we need is a simple scale, based on observable ground-level phenomena, to describe the levels of 'hot air' that will undoubtedly be released over the next month. To that end, I am pleased to unveil...

 'The molesworth_1 Political Hot-Air Force Scale' (Patent pending)...

Force 0: Complete indifference: Papers remain unruffled, coffee un-spat


Force 1: Momentary attention: TV-screens are glanced at, momentarily.


Force 2: Fleeting interest: Thoughts may occur.


Force 3: Mild engagement: Snarky & dismissive comments are visibly audible.


Force 4: Positive engagement: Curses uttered under breath.


Force 5: Irritation: Twitter hashtags are generated.


Force 6: Mental discomfort: Disparaging remarks made within earshot of work colleagues & casual acquaintances.


Force 7: Displeasure: A single, unifying hashtag emerges.




Force 8: Cognitive dissonance: Newspapers are folded, purposefully. Pencils may be snapped.


Force 9: Involuntary anger: Liquids orally expelled. Computer keyboards may be damaged. Car-radios will be shouted at.


Force 10: Disbelief: Face. Palm. Head. Desk.


Force 11: Resentment: A Facebook group is formed. Placards seen on TV news.


Force 12: Contempt: Eggs thrown, voters punched. Constabulary deployed at hustings.

I hope this will prove to be, like so many politicians, a useful tool.

And they're off!

Frankly it comes as something of a relief that the waiting is finally over. And what a long wait it's been. Although, in the two-and-a-half years since the 'Election that never was', we have not been short of shenanigans to keep us amused; from Donorgate to Lobbygate via the Parliamentary expenses scandals, and all against the background of a financial meltdown of quite eye-watering proportions.

But later this morning Gordon Brown will bite the bullet & bring to an end possibly the longest 'phoney war' in British political history. There is but a brief hiatus of calm between the confirmation of the election date & the opening salvos of the campaign proper - a chance to draw breath & stiffen our sinews against the coming onslaught of spin, half-truths, evasions, smears, petty deceits, claims, counter-claims, assertions, rebuttals & massaged statistics that constitute a General Election.

As Churchill remarked to a nervous but resigned nation some seventy years ago "This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning."

And so with the beginning over & the battle ahead, the opinion polls indecisive & the pundits polarised, we pause momentarily, pray silently to our gods & steel ourselves against the flood of bullshit we are, depressingly, due. Chiz.