When The Wind Blows...

...or, Alternative Election Metrics.

Keen weather-watchers as we Brits are, most people are at least tangentially aware of the Beaufort Wind-Force Scale. Put simply, a 13-point scale relates the force of the wind to commonly observable phenomena at ground level. For instance, 'Force 0' is described as "Absolute calm. Smoke rises vertically without disturbance", whilst the halfway point, 'Force 6', is described as "Strong breeze. Large branches in motion. Whistling heard in overhead wires. Umbrella use becomes difficult. Empty plastic dustbins tip over."  At the top end of the scale, 'Force 12' is defined as "Hurricane force. Very widespread damage to vegetation. Some windows may break; mobile homes and poorly constructed sheds and barns are damaged. Debris may be hurled about."


'So what?' you may well ask.


Well, in a fast-paced election campaign overflowing with speeches, statements, press-releases & 'clarifications' (hem-hem...), it can be a struggle for us political 'weather-watchers' to keep up with the impact of all this activity. What we need is a simple scale, based on observable ground-level phenomena, to describe the levels of 'hot air' that will undoubtedly be released over the next month. To that end, I am pleased to unveil...

 'The molesworth_1 Political Hot-Air Force Scale' (Patent pending)...

Force 0: Complete indifference: Papers remain unruffled, coffee un-spat


Force 1: Momentary attention: TV-screens are glanced at, momentarily.


Force 2: Fleeting interest: Thoughts may occur.


Force 3: Mild engagement: Snarky & dismissive comments are visibly audible.


Force 4: Positive engagement: Curses uttered under breath.


Force 5: Irritation: Twitter hashtags are generated.


Force 6: Mental discomfort: Disparaging remarks made within earshot of work colleagues & casual acquaintances.


Force 7: Displeasure: A single, unifying hashtag emerges.




Force 8: Cognitive dissonance: Newspapers are folded, purposefully. Pencils may be snapped.


Force 9: Involuntary anger: Liquids orally expelled. Computer keyboards may be damaged. Car-radios will be shouted at.


Force 10: Disbelief: Face. Palm. Head. Desk.


Force 11: Resentment: A Facebook group is formed. Placards seen on TV news.


Force 12: Contempt: Eggs thrown, voters punched. Constabulary deployed at hustings.

I hope this will prove to be, like so many politicians, a useful tool.